…….(my life at the moment)
days like today are so hard for me. I try my hardest to keep myself from being swallowed up by this illness. I’m struggling so very badly. I put on a brave face for my loved ones so that they won’t see the mess I’m in. Forcing a smile here and there, doing the monumental task of waking up every morning and deciding to JUST keep breathing. Its like I constantly have to hide myself from everyone this “mask” I’m constantly wearing is suffocating me. I wish it was as simple as gaining the courage to fight harder, thinking positively, forgetting all the wrongs life has handed me and making them right. It’s not. In the thick of it theres no escape. No glimmer of hope. Just the voices of my fellow moms telling me “it gets better”. Im in a pitch black hallway trying to find a door, window, hole, that will lead me to the “light”.
The feeling of being alone in this eats away at my soul day by day. piece by piece. I know I have family, friends, my son, my amazing boyfriend, and strangers that will gladly listen but they don’t feel my pain or my despair. I carry that. all 110 pounds of me.
A mom made a comment to me the other day about “how can someone be depressed with such a beautiful baby.” As if the sight of my son is supposed to magically erase the pain from my childhood, the emotional scars my alcoholic father has left on me, the physical abuse my mother left carved into my skin, the trauma of almost dying 3 times in a year, watching my newborn baby struggling to come back to life. It does NOT. (people really need to learn to be gentle or shut up.) PTSD opened pandoras box for me. The pain and anger I’ve done so well to conceal my whole life (all 26 years) is now open. A giant wound that just keeps gushing blood day in and day out. I don’t want to think of these terribly hurtful things but my mind just does it for me. I hate what my brain is doing to me. I feel so weak.
I really hope I survive this, but days like today healing and recovery seem impossible.
but i’ll hang on. someone..somewhere out there… is in my exact same shoes or worse. I’ll do it for you. So one day I can be the person that looks back and tells you. “it gets better”. It has too right?