Finding you.

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I really wish people spoke about what happens to mothers once they become a constant to someone else.

Aside from all the other hurdles thrown at me in my journey into becoming mommy.

I have unfortunately lost ME in the process.

Me, that word makes my skin crawl and even the thought of putting me as a priority can make me feel so uncomfortable.

I have no clue who I am.

The truth of the matter is we lose ourselves when we are no longer living life for us. I think of my son before I do anything. Make a decision, eat, plan a day out. Heck, even before showering .. (which is usually only five minutes long) because a two year old demands your full attention.

Now, I’m not saying this isn’t how it should be but two years into this new career path of raising a child I have decided that I also need to put myself first. Right there with my son. I need to take care of me and my needs as equally as his. I’ve been running on fumes for 2 and a half years. I let myself go in more than 100 ways. Mainly because of my mental health and the other half is my son.

So just last week, I had an epiphany ..aside from my dark days (which I still have a lot of ) I want to use whatever bit of progress I’ve made in my healing and find ME again. Not the little me who was constantly hurt or the teenage me who loved all the wrong people…Not 21 year old me who partied and worked her life away (she was figuring life out & from time to time made really poor choices) not 25 year old me who was so weak and fragile from the monster of HG, not 26-27 year old me who’s health deteriorated into the abyss. Heck! not even me from last week ( she was a bit of a bully to herself) but today’s ME the one who realizes just HOW much she’s overcome and is in the process of overcoming.

this me.

I’m proud of her. I love her. I want her to chase her dreams and heal her hurts so that she can live the life she always deserved. & in this process I’ll be able to teach my son the strength it takes to start over and that the fear of failure should never stop you from trying. As women were so quick to tend to the wounds and problems of others and leave ourselves in last place. Or even worse .. with no place at all.

To that I say ENOUGH.

It’s ok to take care of ourselves , to take breaks to decompress, to be the most feared word in the mothering dictionary..

Selfish (gasp)

I want to rebuild the relationship I have with myself , whoever I am now after all that’s happened. I want to rediscover my likes and dislikes. Establish my strengths and weaknesses and do the things that make me feel alive…because in filling my cup and finding what makes me happy and whole I will then be able to give my son a healthy and loving mom.

& there’s nothing more selfless than that.

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