the inner workings of postpartum ptsd

anxiety, Depression, Hyperemesis gravidarum, Life, mental illness, motherhood, Parenting, postpartum, Uncategorized

Story time Tuesday. I will be sharing bits and pieces of my journey it’s a lot for me to process and it takes a lot for me to recall and put things into words. But it all needs to be said to gain understanding of where I am today …

The day is August 12. We woke up to take my son to his first check up.

I had just given birth that Monday with a 3 day hospital stay. As soon as I arrived home I started feeling really off. I was so extremely dizzy I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Every time I tried to breast feed my son my heart would race and the room would spin. I didn’t know what breast feeding should feel like so I just kept doing it and dealing with the really uncomfortable side effects …

that morning I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like a ghost. There was this emptiness inside of me. I was happy to be home, happy to know kai and I had made it through the birth (which was a miracle)  There was a sense of pride in my heart. But I felt EMPTY.

We showed up at my sons appointment that Friday and I started feeling worse. I started feeling really hot and nauseous on top of my extreme dizziness. His pediatrician offered me water then asked me if I felt ok. I told her what had been going on the past couple of days. She looked at me and said “I think you should head back to the hospital. You don’t look ok.”

( looking back now nothing up to that point had been ok. It was silly of me to think the storm had passed)

I arrived in the ER they rushed me back. My blood pressure was 170/122. Normal range is 120/80. With my background in health care I knew that kind of reading was not ideal to say the least. They ran a few labs and sent me home with blood pressure medication (they had decided I was safe to leave)

On our way home we had to make a quick stop. I sat there in the target parking lot waiting for my boyfriend to run an errand when all of a sudden this rush came over me. Like a cold chill. My hands and face started getting sweaty I could feel my heart racing and literally see it pumping through my shirt. I knew something was terribly wrong. I called 911 and shortly after the paramedics arrived.

I will never forget that ambulance ride.

I don’t remember what my readings were when I was picked up. I remember the paramedics asking me questions. I was answering them back then I slowly felt my foot go numb.. then my leg.. then my left hand.. and my arm.  I remember asking him with what little voice I had in me still (fear was coarsing through my veins) “I can’t feel my left side is that ok?” He stared at me and starting doing tests on my legs and hands but at this point I couldn’t move my left side at all. Apparently, I had failed his exam.  All I remember him saying to the driver was…” I need you to hit the lights she might be stroking out” 

Those words…. I can CLEARLY  hear them in my head even 8 months later. They fell on me like a giant boulder. At that moment through the sirens and the rush of getting poked and prodded I remember looking out the window of the ambulance in complete shock. 1,000 questions running through my mind..Was I seriously about to die? I hadn’t even been home more than a week with my baby? How the hell is this even fair?!

I arrived at the hospital to officially be put on stroke alert. I was put in a room with maybe 4 doctors and 3 nurses. All My clothes were removed I had blood being taken from both arms. At this point I could see what was going but I had mentally clocked out. I saw my boyfriend arrive, I remember staring at kai in his car seat so innocent and small I remember thinking “I’m sorry you’ll never get to meet your mom” ..”I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you” .. “I guess I won’t be there to watch you grow up”  

The reality of that set in and a sadness so incredibly deep swept over me. A gigantic wave of pain flooded my heart. I was then wheeled away to the CT scan where two neurologist poked me with needles on both arms and legs. Still nothing from my left side  it was completely lifeless. At this point I guess I had reached an epiphany.  I remember thinking to myself  “ok, this might just be my time to go” all the fear in me subsided completely, I decided To just breathe, relax, and let it happen. If this was Gods plan than what can I do?

I guess that wasn’t his plan. It took 3 more days in the hospital a lot of therapy, crying, yelling, panic attacks, praying, magnesium sulfate drips, medication I don’t remember,  numerous ekg’s because my standing heart rate was 188 and higher (I couldn’t even walk without fainting) and a few MRI’S to come to the conclusion of 1) An Acute migraine 2) preeclampsia or 3) an adverse reaction to the blood pressure medication I had been given that made my blood pressure drop too suddenly. I was eventually discharged that Monday night. (The strength in my left side eventually came back over the course of a week and a half)

Those were the scariest 3 days of my life. When I got home from that hopsital stay I knew mentally something was really off . I would see kai and I felt like there was a huge wall between us. I couldn’t really recognize him or myself anymore. Those 3 days away from my newborn did so much damage. Damage I’m not even close to fixing yet.

So, at this point one week postpartum I had racked up an illness that lasted 9 months, a birth that left me scarred, and a scary terrible event that left me completely shattered.

This was the straw that broke the camels back.

The event that sent me into the abyss.

This is the moment PTSD came Rearing it’s ugly head into my life

My first night back home

A walk with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

anxiety, Depression, Hyperemesis gravidarum, Life, mental illness, motherhood, Parenting, postpartum, Uncategorized


Before you read my story I want you to get a background on what I’m about to share with you. No, sometimes pregnancy is the worst thing to ever happen to a woman. Sometimes moms get sick, I mean really fucking sick.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum has robbed me of what was supposed to be the greatest chapter in my book. It was the thief in the night that came in and stayed robbing me and my baby for 9 months. The one that almost robbed us of our lives. The one that stole my mental stability. The thief that kept taking till until I was left weak and completely broken. (Mentally and physically)

Now, I’m just here to tell my tale.

It all started in December of 2015. I had felt really off and nauseous. I thought I was suffering from a never ending hangover. Low and behold on December 6 I peed on a cutesy little stick that read the words “way to go fertile murtle!!”    Yes, There was a little bundle on the way! 👶🏻

A week from the moment I found out I was pregnant I started having really strong food aversions. I remember going to my doctor at 6 weeks then at 8 complaining of how sick I was and how much vomiting had been going on. Even with just smelling certain things I’d vomit. Changing positions would make me vomit. EVERYTHING would make me vomit. I was told repeatedly I had a “virus” of some sort. This went on for 4 more weeks. At that point I couldn’t even hold down water. I was throwing up so much that I eventually just threw up my own blood. My throat burned, my stomach hurt, I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without my boyfriends assistance because every time I stood up I felt like collapsing. My showers had to be me sitting on the floor in tears because my legs couldn’t hold up the skeleton of a body I now had. When Week 12 rolled around I decided to change clinics. My first visit with my new Obstetrician was pretty long, he told me he thought I had a condition but was going to give it another week to see if I got any better on its own.

Did I forget to mention by this time I had racked up about 6 ER visits in just 2 months? I knew something was wrong, very wrong. The next week rolled around and I was officially diagnosed with Hyperemesis. To recap, I began my pregnancy roughly around 130 pounds. That day almost 4 months pregnant I weighed about 96 pounds. I looked like the corpse bride. Technically, my body had been malnourished those first few months and all the food I was able to keep down was going straight to my son. I felt like I was dying. Come to find out, you CAN actually die from Hyperemesis and 1 in 3 babies pass away from it depending on severity. The diagnose hit me like a ton of bricks. This was after all my first pregnancy and this is how it was going to play out?!

My OB saved our lives. The next few weeks were me on bed rest and a lovely nurse that came and gave me IV fluids every 3 days. Ultrasounds about every two weeks to make sure my baby was ok. I was on numerous nausea medications and I slowly became an empty hole of who I once was. There was no joy, no mommy glow, no happy plans of any sort. Just pain, isolation, and anger. All I resorted too was crying, yelling at God, bargaining with him, and praying extra hard that if push came to shove Kai would make it even if that meant not being able to save me. I lost my job. My ability to go to school. The happiness any new mom deserves.

Hyperemesis took it all from me.

My pregnancy came to an end and birth rocked my world. Not in a “oh my god I can’t believe I did that” but in a “holy shit, I almost died” kinda way. The theory I hold in my head as to why I went into a shock is:

1. I had NO strength

2. 27 hours of labor and all the medical interventions was way too much for my fragile state and body

3. You can’t live in starvation mode and be expected to labor and push out a human with 0 reserves. (It’s like running a marathon after not eating for months)

I still had a series of terrifying complications even after I gave birth to my son. I blame HG for that too.

This illness robbed me of my ideal birth it left me with an emotional wound so deep I’m still trying to recover from it 8 months later but I won’t let it win. I vow to always talk about it and make sure people know how to treat any woman with this awful illness. HG warrior moms are nothing short of AMAZING. I have fought the hardest fight in my life and now I have to heal from the after shocks it has left me with. Including ptsd and a non existent appetite.

but….in the end I also thank HG for my beautiful intelligent baby boy and for the bad ass woman I know I am going to be once it’s all said and done.

(4 months pregnant)


My HG baby 💚💚

To all my hg mommas:

You are a rockstar & even on days when you feel you can’t go on.. you can and you will! I know the pain.. I know the resentment .. I know how weak and misunderstood you feel. Please remember you are stronger than you think. & most importantly remember that I love you and I am here for you.