Author: themotheringcatalyst

Mothering the Mother

As my journey in motherhood continues to evolve there is always one thing that I carry with me, a burden to say the least, and that is the complexity of becoming a mother without having a mother. No, she isn’t gone physically but mentally that is a relationship I have had to step away from. Emotionally, she is gone.

I was raised in a home that wasn’t very healthy, I had parents who weren’t aware of the ways they were hurting their children and if they were, they probably didn’t care. I didn’t even know I still carried that trauma, until I had my son. It hit me as soon as we got home. As those first days with my newborn pressed on, more and more memories kept flooding my mind. All of the hurt, the scars, and the lack of love my sister and I were subjected to in our early years was ever so present. That hurt can’t really be put into words. It is an empty hole that I try to fill a little more each day. It’s been a process to try and even sit with those parts of me. A process that has required outside help, being open to forgiveness, and a therapist who sees me and most importantly has helped me see my potential to HEAL.

Now, 4 years in to my journey I have realized more and more my innate ability to mother myself. I have become my biggest supporter. When you grow up with parents who make you feel unlovable a part of you begins to believe that you are. Having my son opened so many wounds but it has also helped me heal in so many ways. He gives me strength I didn’t know existed and a love that lights up even the darkest parts of me. When I look at my son I see innocence, I feel the joy he radiates, and I can see the world in wonder the way he does. I can’t even begin to understand how someone wouldn’t want to love him or any child for that matter, or at a basic level at least try. He has opened my eyes to a truth that I now live by…

I am not unlovable they were just incapable of loving.

I know that I am not the only person trying to raise a beautiful soul while carrying this generational weight on my shoulders. There are thousands of other men and women, doing the sacred work of not only healing themselves and their inner child but also making sure a healed and whole child grows from them.

To all the mothers and fathers out there ending the long and painful existence of abuse in their bloodline. Who constantly work on themselves and the fears and darkness that sometimes plague your mind. I see you. You are ferociously brave and overwhelmingly strong. I know how much work it takes and I feel that loneliness too. Keep pushing forward and know that I am with you in spirit. I am so proud of you and the little human you are raising.

Most importantly please remember you are NOT your parents. You have the freedom now to write your own story, the freedom to stand up for yourself, the freedom to cut ties with those that purposely hurt you and the freedom to give your child the life you dreamed of having.

YOU ARE FREE.

Twisted memories

Let’s talk about ptsd and those awful anniversaries.

This week marks a year since my last inpatient stay and just like clock work today started with crying and tons of anxiety. When you have ptsd and it’s an anniversary of something traumatic that happened to you, your body has the nicest way of reminding you..

“Hey! Remember that awful thing that happened to you this time last year?!Here, why don’t you think about it. Really think about it. I’ll even allow you to feel all the exact same emotions and fears. I’ll send images to you.. sights, smells, and sounds because for some reason I think you NEED it. ”

Thanks asshole brain.

As if I needed a constant reminder of my pain.

Trust me, I don’t.

this week I’ll up my self care. Take my walks. Breathe, cry, yell, and most importantly, up my therapy sessions to get me through the rough patches.

Even though this time last year I was in the midst of the darkness. I was shattered. So overwhelmed…that I started planning my way out. I somehow managed to outsmart those depressive voices that told me dying was the only answer and I checked myself in, I did that.

Little warrior me.

I woke up today to feel the sunshine on my face once more and to hear my sons sweet voice. So even if I feel like absolute shit (mentally) I take with me that I have crawled, clawed, screamed, and kicked my way to this day.

& Maybe next year instead of this pain I’ll remember my braveness and the strength it took to seek help .. with a hint of what depression has done to my life.

To all of you with ptsd:

I feel you, I get it.

I’m with you.

Maybe one day we can reclaim our minds and rebuild or lives

Feel the joy of feeling “safe” again.

Till then, carry on beautiful warrior

Fight for your peace.

You deserve it.

jagged teeth

I’ve been triggered once again

Held captive by these thoughts in my head…

laying here in my bed

I keep trying to breathe but this pain is suffocating me

can someone please turn on the light?

I seemed to have lost sight,

Of brighter days and happiness

All I hold is emptiness

This glass between the world and I

It’s making me feel dead inside

I pray these images let me rest.

So I can stop being tormented by past regrets

This beast I fight is beating me

Is it him or I ?

I guess In time we will see

Those jagged teeth ripping into me

Laying here while inside, I bleed.

He thinks he’s won

That cocky beast

But he must not know, I don’t accept defeat.

So round and round the fighting goes.

But this girl won’t quit

Cause this girl has soul.