Mothering the Mother


As my journey in motherhood continues to evolve there is always one thing that I carry with me, a burden to say the least, and that is the complexity of becoming a mother without having a mother. No, she isn’t gone physically but mentally that is a relationship I have had to step away from. Emotionally, she is gone.

I was raised in a home that wasn’t very healthy, I had parents who weren’t aware of the ways they were hurting their children and if they were, they probably didn’t care. I didn’t even know I still carried that trauma, until I had my son. It hit me as soon as we got home. As those first days with my newborn pressed on, more and more memories kept flooding my mind. All of the hurt, the scars, and the lack of love my sister and I were subjected to in our early years was ever so present. That hurt can’t really be put into words. It is an empty hole that I try to fill a little more each day. It’s been a process to try and even sit with those parts of me. A process that has required outside help, being open to forgiveness, and a therapist who sees me and most importantly has helped me see my potential to HEAL.

Now, 4 years in to my journey I have realized more and more my innate ability to mother myself. I have become my biggest supporter. When you grow up with parents who make you feel unlovable a part of you begins to believe that you are. Having my son opened so many wounds but it has also helped me heal in so many ways. He gives me strength I didn’t know existed and a love that lights up even the darkest parts of me. When I look at my son I see innocence, I feel the joy he radiates, and I can see the world in wonder the way he does. I can’t even begin to understand how someone wouldn’t want to love him or any child for that matter, or at a basic level at least try. He has opened my eyes to a truth that I now live by…

I am not unlovable they were just incapable of loving.

I know that I am not the only person trying to raise a beautiful soul while carrying this generational weight on my shoulders. There are thousands of other men and women, doing the sacred work of not only healing themselves and their inner child but also making sure a healed and whole child grows from them.

To all the mothers and fathers out there ending the long and painful existence of abuse in their bloodline. Who constantly work on themselves and the fears and darkness that sometimes plague your mind. I see you. You are ferociously brave and overwhelmingly strong. I know how much work it takes and I feel that loneliness too. Keep pushing forward and know that I am with you in spirit. I am so proud of you and the little human you are raising.

Most importantly please remember you are NOT your parents. You have the freedom now to write your own story, the freedom to stand up for yourself, the freedom to cut ties with those that purposely hurt you and the freedom to give your child the life you dreamed of having.


Postpartum Care

Life, motherhood, Parenting, postpartum, Uncategorized

A change in scenery from previous posts. 
Let me begin by saying WOMEN are MAGICAL creatures

This is going to be a postpartum care 101. I’m highlighting the most important parts to me.

The shit I wish people would have warned me with. 

After birth.

First off, Your lady flower (vagina) is going to feel as if someone has released a village of fire ants on you. Peeing and walking are going to be SUPER unpleasant. For about, 6 weeks or so. More, if you tore. (That will involve stitching and lots of ice for you)                   

your first poo (bowel movement) after baby will feel as if you are giving birth to a pine cone through your butt. 

I am not exaggerating on that one.

You will be shedding blood at the rate of that one scene on the shining. You’ll be going through many pads and beautiful mesh underwear. (I personally bled for about 3 months) But everyone is different. Your body is going to feel as if you got hit by a bus. You can expect A lot of soreness and weakness. My back was where most of my pain resided. ….If your supply comes in or (lactation) your breasts are gonna swell up like balloons and be as hard as rocks. ( it seriously hurts) engorgment is TORTURE. Your baby might have the suction of a giant whale and twist the living daylights out of your nips. & someone might really have to help “milk” you. So your poor nipples may crack and bleed. Hot compress, tea bags, nipple shields, and nipple ointment will be your new best friends. Breastfeeding is a JOB all on its own. Sometimes it’s too much work  and that’s ok! 

Your human will survive on formula or breast. 

Your mind literally changes at birth. That’s a whole other subject I will touch on. Be patient. If you’re concerned with your emotions or thoughts seek help or a trusted person you can confide in. 

My advice for you. 

1) REST: you did a miraculous thing and a 6 week time span for healing is BS (according to new studies it takes around a year before your body is “recovered” )

2) ASK for help: it’s ok to need assistance with meals, cleaning, laundry, the baby, or emotional support. 

3) GIVE yourself time and love: Healing is solely based on time. Accept your new body and all that has changed. Yes, you’re allowed to cry about your losses. Loss of Freedom, loss of sleep, loss of your body, loss of yourself. Identity will be lost and regained ( I haven’t reached that yet.) 

4) mom guilt: as long as you and your baby are alive, fed, and cleaned. You are doing the best you can! So don’t buy into all the bs people try to feed you or compare yourself to someone’s else’s story. This one is yours to write! 

5) Babysitting: do not feel forced to allow people to watch your baby unless you are comfortable or need the help. If people try and step into your lane shut it down. You are mom that is your baby. No one else has the say but YOU. (Separation anxiety is real) same goes with visitors in your time and at your pace. There’s no rush!

6) Replenish: eat healthy foods consistently throughout the day drink PLENTY of water especially if you are BF. Vitamins. Supplements. Take iron if necessary. Probitotics to help balance you out. Do a zits bath, ice, perineal sprays, and ease into exercise and sex. 

7) Acceptance: please don’t do what I did and decide to get a pocket mirror to look at what was left of you after the atom bomb was dropped on your who haa. But if you get curious consider the fact that I warned you and that too, with time will heal itself. If not, there are things that can be done to help put it back together again to your liking 🙂 As for your body, don’t buy into having to be “fit mom” right away. Own those stretch marks and saggy tits. You earned em. Let your body relax and put itself back together before straining it. It deserves that much 

Remember this is your time to rest and relax. A happy mom will equal a happy baby. & You just can’t pour from an empty cup trust me, I’ve tried. 

Also, You got this! =)