Twisted memories

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Let’s talk about ptsd and those awful anniversaries.

This week marks a year since my last inpatient stay and just like clock work today started with crying and tons of anxiety. When you have ptsd and it’s an anniversary of something traumatic that happened to you, your body has the nicest way of reminding you..

“Hey! Remember that awful thing that happened to you this time last year?!Here, why don’t you think about it. Really think about it. I’ll even allow you to feel all the exact same emotions and fears. I’ll send images to you.. sights, smells, and sounds because for some reason I think you NEED it. ”

Thanks asshole brain.

As if I needed a constant reminder of my pain.

Trust me, I don’t.

this week I’ll up my self care. Take my walks. Breathe, cry, yell, and most importantly, up my therapy sessions to get me through the rough patches.

Even though this time last year I was in the midst of the darkness. I was shattered. So overwhelmed…that I started planning my way out. I somehow managed to outsmart those depressive voices that told me dying was the only answer and I checked myself in, I did that.

Little warrior me.

I woke up today to feel the sunshine on my face once more and to hear my sons sweet voice. So even if I feel like absolute shit (mentally) I take with me that I have crawled, clawed, screamed, and kicked my way to this day.

& Maybe next year instead of this pain I’ll remember my braveness and the strength it took to seek help .. with a hint of what depression has done to my life.

To all of you with ptsd:

I feel you, I get it.

I’m with you.

Maybe one day we can reclaim our minds and rebuild or lives

Feel the joy of feeling “safe” again.

Till then, carry on beautiful warrior

Fight for your peace.

You deserve it.

jagged teeth

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I’ve been triggered once again

Held captive by these thoughts in my head…

laying here in my bed

I keep trying to breathe but this pain is suffocating me

can someone please turn on the light?

I seemed to have lost sight,

Of brighter days and happiness

All I hold is emptiness

This glass between the world and I

It’s making me feel dead inside

I pray these images let me rest.

So I can stop being tormented by past regrets

This beast I fight is beating me

Is it him or I ?

I guess In time we will see

Those jagged teeth ripping into me

Laying here while inside, I bleed.

He thinks he’s won

That cocky beast

But he must not know, I don’t accept defeat.

So round and round the fighting goes.

But this girl won’t quit

Cause this girl has soul.