As my journey in motherhood continues to evolve there is always one thing that I carry with me, a burden to say the least, and that is the complexity of becoming a mother without having a mother. No, she isn’t gone physically but mentally that is a relationship I have had to step away from. Emotionally, she is gone.
I was raised in a home that wasn’t very healthy, I had parents who weren’t aware of the ways they were hurting their children and if they were, they probably didn’t care. I didn’t even know I still carried that trauma, until I had my son. It hit me as soon as we got home. As those first days with my newborn pressed on, more and more memories kept flooding my mind. All of the hurt, the scars, and the lack of love my sister and I were subjected to in our early years was ever so present. That hurt can’t really be put into words. It is an empty hole that I try to fill a little more each day. It’s been a process to try and even sit with those parts of me. A process that has required outside help, being open to forgiveness, and a therapist who sees me and most importantly has helped me see my potential to HEAL.
Now, 4 years in to my journey I have realized more and more my innate ability to mother myself. I have become my biggest supporter. When you grow up with parents who make you feel unlovable a part of you begins to believe that you are. Having my son opened so many wounds but it has also helped me heal in so many ways. He gives me strength I didn’t know existed and a love that lights up even the darkest parts of me. When I look at my son I see innocence, I feel the joy he radiates, and I can see the world in wonder the way he does. I can’t even begin to understand how someone wouldn’t want to love him or any child for that matter, or at a basic level at least try. He has opened my eyes to a truth that I now live by…
I am not unlovable they were just incapable of loving.
I know that I am not the only person trying to raise a beautiful soul while carrying this generational weight on my shoulders. There are thousands of other men and women, doing the sacred work of not only healing themselves and their inner child but also making sure a healed and whole child grows from them.
To all the mothers and fathers out there ending the long and painful existence of abuse in their bloodline. Who constantly work on themselves and the fears and darkness that sometimes plague your mind. I see you. You are ferociously brave and overwhelmingly strong. I know how much work it takes and I feel that loneliness too. Keep pushing forward and know that I am with you in spirit. I am so proud of you and the little human you are raising.
Most importantly please remember you are NOT your parents. You have the freedom now to write your own story, the freedom to stand up for yourself, the freedom to cut ties with those that purposely hurt you and the freedom to give your child the life you dreamed of having.
YOU ARE FREE.